Man in a Pot

“Taste the penis.  Talk about the penis.  Only then can you experience the true culture of the penis.”

The sign above the restaurant called “Guolizhuang” (Man in a Pot) welcomes us.  Simon and I have looked for this restaurant numerous times; up until now, however, we have continuously been thrown off track.  On this day Simon brings a map with him listing the directions for both locations of the infamous eatery specializing in male genitalia of various animals.  Today we have finally made it to Guolizhuang.  Besides myself and Simon, our two friends Albert (another mainstay of the Chinareflection family), and Little Han (my co-worker), have joined us.  We didn’t tell them where we would be going…just “out for dinner” was the world.  Now we’re here, and it’s time to eat some penis.

The Male Stone

Entering the restaurant, I notice that we are the only customers here.  I expected the place to be filled with lovers of strange delicacy and men seeking to enhance their sex-drives and testosterone count.  We instead find a lobby filled only with emptiness and staff members, all dressed in decorative outfits.  When we show them the map that we used to find the location of the restaurant, the waiter tells us that we are lucky we came to this location instead of the other one that is listed.

“Our other branch on your map closed down a few years ago.  This is currently the only location for this restaurant.”

Simon tells the waiter that, according to the website he looked up, there is also a branch of “Man in a Pot” in Atlanta, Georgia (Olympic connection?).  That branch, unfortunately, also closed down 10 years prior.  People just don’t know what they are missing.

The waiter ushers us into a private room of our own and hands us menus to look at.  Little Han immediately tells us that she would like to eat some vegetables in additon to the penis that we will be ordering.  The cover of the menus has an interesting photograph of a famous peak located in Guangdong^W province called the “Yangyuanshi” (male stone), named for its uncanny resemblance to a fully erect phallus.  If I get nothing else out of this meal, I’ll at least have another idea of a future trip to take to the south of China.

The menu itself is filled to the brim with all sorts of animal penises of all sorts and sizes:  dog’s penis, horse’s penis, cow’s penis, deer’s penis, etc.  I note that the most expensive item I find on the list is Canadian seal’s penis priced at more that 3500 RMB per plate.  We decide to order sheep’s testicles, donkey’s penis, dog’s penis, and cow’s penis.  In addition we order two non-penile dishes in order to keep a balanced diet. 

The serving of the penis

The dishes that arrive are some of the most beautifully arranged and presented dishes I have seen, and Chinese restaurants know how to present a dish.  Unfortunately, none of them remotely have any resemblance to a phallus. 

The donkey dish that we eat is prepared to look like Peking Roast Duck.  It’s sliced into small pieces, and seems to have been barbecued to a dry crisp.  Served with the slices of donkey penis are an assortment of cold vegetables (i.e. shredded carrots, cucumbers, radishes, and spring onions).  Like Peking Duck, these fresh vegetables are to be placed within accompanying pancakes, rolled up, and dipped into a sauce. 

The cow’s penis is also cut into slices.  Each of the slices is frilly on the outside, with a hole in the middle (possibly this hole is the urethra?).  In the middle of the dish is an upside-down wine glass filled with rice wine, suspended in animation due to the suction with the glass and the plate.  At the top of the glass is a cherry to balance the plate.  The taste isn’t bad, but it’s rather tough to chew.

I have eaten dog before (on numerous occasions in fact), but this is the first time for me to eat dog’s penis.  Served and sliced up with hot peppers, the dog’s penis is tender and spicy.  In the middle of the plate is a carrot carved into the shape of a phoenix.  This dog will hopefully not rise from the ashes to bite me.

The lamb’s testicle dish is the one that least resembles any kind of animal genitalia.  Served in an aluminum dish, the testicles are mashed up, appearing as one gigantic mass of testosterone in the center.  The dish itself is surrounded by seasoning salt to make the the whole experience more aesthetically pleasing.

The etiquette of the Penis

“It’s important that your female friend doesn’t eat the donkey, the sheep, or the dog…at least not very much.  The hormones in these dishes could have a bad affect on females,” the waiter says as he gives us the dishes.

“The donkey’s penis is very long, and if you are eating the tip or the bottom of the shaft, she cannot have these.  Girls should only eat the center portion of the penis.”

Images of  Little Han eating the wrong animal’s penis and suddenly sprouting a beard and adam’s apple flash through my mind.  She adheres to the restrictions given to her by the waiter.  We see no hormonal changes overcome her throughout the evening.  Simon, Albert, and I enjoy the other dishes to our hearts’ content.

At the end of the meal, the waiter brings us a little blue gift package.  It’s long and wrapped in a beautiful bow.  It’s the kind of box that one might put an exquisite pair of chopsticks in.  Unsure of what’s inside, we ask the waiter to open it up.  Upon opening the box, it’s still unclear to us what is is we are looking at.  Inside the box is a small bone.  I ask the waiter to explain.

“Dogs are the only animals to have a bone in their penis.  As a gift, we present you with the bone to take home.”

Smiling with his prize in hand, Simon holds the gift package up for all to see.  After numerous failures in finding the “Man in a Pot” restaurant, we have finally succeeded.  The momento rests in my desk drawer.

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